I learned something today.
When it happened, I knew it was significant. I knew it would be important for me; a milestone in my life. I just wasn’t sure what it was and so I though I’d write it down. I hoped my thoughts on paper would be like slides being prepared for a presentation and that by arranging them well, the essence; the morsel of knowledge; le raison d’être, the truth, my truth, would rise to the surface and present itself. I’d then stare at it and say to myself “why was something so obvious, so hard to see when it has lived in my mind and heart for all of my days.”
Last night at my film festival a lady named Lynda said something that caused me to play a few performance clips for her, both before the show had started and after it had finished. Her comments caused me to feel she might like a particular artist or two. Fortunately, she did.
Today, I started asking myself why I liked this performance artist or that. What was it about each of them that moved me so deeply? Two parts of the puzzle I learned long ago. If the performance depends solely on the shock value of expletives it will have no margin with me and I’ll excoriate it1. If the performance was exquisite, uniquely creative, exceptionally filled with beauty or magically executed, the doors to my acceptance become unlocked but not fully open. There must be more. However, those points alone, have allowed me to welcome performers who do not typically fall into genres I particularly enjoy. Performing works I already hold in high regard can increase the likelihood of gaining favor but on the other hand the respective performers enter an arena of excruciatingly tough competition.
Clearly, as a talentless person I am greatly enamored by performers I admire and would love to meet all of them in a situation that would allow some serious one-on-one time allowing us to go far beyond “Wow, I think you are great. I’ve got all your CDs/records.” I’d love the chance to explore deeply the man or woman behind that public persona. I have no doubt I’d find both delight and crushing disappointments2.
It is no surprise that I’d crave their talent but certainly not for the extra income it would provide. Those who know me well, know that money has never been a motivating force in my life. I’d die in a heartbeat if I was assured, with some reasonable authority, that I could return with a voice like Nathan Gunn, Brian Stokes Mitchell, Paul Robeson or my father. Don’t have to have their life; just the voice; the rest is up to me. But why was that so important to me? What was it, at the core, I pined for?
Surprisingly, I was dancing around the issue but couldn’t get at it. It was not becoming obvious and so I took a break. Very shortly thereafter I discovered what it was I sought. I was envious; not of their good looks, high income, travel to exotic places or their set of fascinating associates. I was envious of their vehicle to exercise their passion. I have not the voice to sing songs that move people. I cannot dance in a way that people are enchanted. I cannot write things that move people to tears. I have the passion without the required talent for an outlet. How will I solve the problem now recognized? Perhaps this soliloquy is part of the process. Perhaps not. We will see but recognizing a problem is a huge step towards its resolution.
Thanks to Lynda for being an innocent and unknowing catalyst.
Sincerely,
Dave
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1 Sadly it seems a growing number of performers are substituting vulgarity for talent.
2 I’ve had it happen before when I met Glen Campbell and Helen Ready.
